Just a ramble....

I'm sitting here at my computer and can think about nothing other than my child and the test results I will get on Tuesday from my CT scan. I've always been a healthy person, but now things are complicated. I put off having another baby b/c of finances, thinking I couldn't afford two daycares at the same time..however, people do it everyday and they survive somehow. Now that I want a baby so badly and for Kade to be a big brother, it's not happening and my high blood pressure is a mystery. When you become a mother, or at least when I became a mother, I immediately started to think about how to ensure that I would be alive to raise this child. I see kids all of the time in my classes that have lost a parent at an early age I am letting that fear take over me and I don't know how to stop. What if my test results come back and something is really wrong with me? What if it's not fixable with medication? What if I need surgery and don't make it through? Everyone says I am being irrational and crazy, but I am truly scared about what these results will show. For the first time, I don't want Monday to ever end.